so the day has finally come - after 2 years of constantly waiting for the call we had it yesterday - Ofsted are on their way to inspect our school.

My first experience of Ofsted was in my first 6 weeks of teaching.  The build up was horrendous, writing schemes of work that had never existed before, reading up on everything possible, pure insanity (I think I've actually blocked a lot of it from my mind).  The strange thing was that my first observation warranted an 'excellent' (one of only 6 in the school), my second just a 'satisfactory'.  Such is the disparity of Ofsted Inspectors.  You can really trust these can't you?

So why am I not flapping? Why am I not worried? Because the two days they're coming in, Tuesday and Wednesday, are my days off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could I ever be more jammy?  Although, last night, I had an email from the Head:

"So are you coming in on Tuesday and Wednesday? - Special Treat."

What the hell does that mean? Extra cash?

I agreed and also agreed to mark someone's books who's been on long term sick.  I got an email back:

"You're a star"

WHOOP! I AM!

Ha ha - that's not to say I haven't got to do lots of things before Tuesday.  I have to do some sort of bloody display in my classroom.  I have to tidy up, mark MY books (though there's really not a lot of work in them - it's only week 4!) and gloat a little bit more! ha ha.

I'm SO happy - I really couldn't do with the kind of pressure that feeling you're going to be jumped on and observed brings.  Even though I know I'm a good teacher, I just don't want to deal with that sort of crap!

HURRAH!

I really honestly think that I'm starting to get on top of things.  At the moment I'm sick with flu, but I've been ok because I know I'm not letting the school down as this is my day off!

I've still not seen a shrink - I don't want to even talk about how much the NHS has fucked me up, but sod them.  I'm coping ok on my own.

Mart and I have booked a villa in Portugal for October - I can't freakin' wait.  Honestly - I'm too godamned excited :)  I hope this is it, that this will make our life SO much better together.

Things are looking up :)

I can't write ... I can't think ... all I can do is sleep and watch crap tv.
Today is my first appointment with the shrink.  I'm scared.
I'm scared of facing all these demons that are hunting me down.
I just want to hide away and I feel as sick as a dog.

I've lost all confidence in myself, my photography, my work, as a person.

I'm dreading this.



"I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head"
Amanda Palmer - Have to Drive

I remember reading in someone else's journal that the pills I'm taking stifled their creativitiy.  I think it's happening to me.  i find it very difficult to work on photos in any sort of extended stretch.  do i want to sacrifice these good feelings i'm having, the way the pills are generally making me feel to the detriment of my art?  i take the photos - i just find it hard to summon up the desire to do anything with them.

last weekend we went to cambridge to see m and j - my best friend and her beau.  i miss her so much.  there was once a time when we'd call each other up after work and just meet for a drink - because we could.  now we need to plan our meetings weeks in advance.  it's going to be even harder soon after october when Stanley (their baby) is born. i'm so godamned happy for her - it's ridiculous. but i'm missing my friends.  i feel like i'm having to grow up when i don't want to.  i'm still going to gigs and being a spack - they're all having babies and moving out of london.

m and i want to move out of london - well i did a while ago - now i'm not so sure.  he's been really off with me recently and the fear is setting in that if we move out of london and i have no friends near by - that i'm going to be so freakin' lonely.  if i try and talk to him about this i always get the same answer 'what do you mean? - how can you be lonely if i'm around?' - then i get the usual talk about him not being enough. 

m doesn't have friends that he sees regularly - just his brother.  a wrench out of london isn't going to feel as terminal as it would feel for me.

he's also in a bad mood with me about the tattoo i'm getting tomorrow.

i'm having a mid-life crisis.

does anyone have a cave i can go and live in?

... i really don't help myself when i'm sick. i watch documentaries and waste time making icons, instead of actually getting myself better. so far i've watched a documentary on halloween, charles manson, the pitch [about pitching a movie] and now i'm watching a documentary on the chelsea headhunters [which i ended up finding looking for a documentary about the ku klux klan]. it has to be said that the quality of these documentaries [apart from the pitch - which i can't seem to find anything about except this] is pretty low.

i'm really fascinated by documentaries and have taught a unit of work on it for the past 4 years [much to the chagrin of my students]. i'd rather watch a good documentary than a movie - although i can't say why. the weirder the subject of the documentary the better. i don't mean documentaries about half man half tree or the girl with two heads - i don't subscribe to channel five's reintroduction of the old victorian freak show via the television. however, i am fascinated with other people some might consider 'freaks'. serial killers, white-supremicists, conspiracy-theorists, christian-right in america, ku klux klan, gangs ... i'm unsure why i have such a fascination with such groups of people who are such the antithesis of me. i'm such a pacifist - such a liberal. however people with extreme views and extreme violent tendencies do actually interest me. it's an odd one, or am i simply an odd one?

anyhoo - here are some of the websites that i trawl for free online documentaries:

Best Online Documentaries
Best Free Documentaries Blog
[this one is good for more 'obscure' documentaries - however is quite difficult to navigate sometimes]
Movies Found Online - this is definitely my favourite resource, it even has films and tv shows also [tut tut]

As a child I had a favourite fairy tale book - now it's falling apart however - it's not damaged enough not to scan some of the images in.
Here are a few of the icons I've made using the scanned images.

Examples:


Please credit and comment if you've used ... comments are nice ... they make me smile :)

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